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11:08pm 31/10/2002
 
mood: manic
Angelina%20Jolie
What sexy girl are you

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09:56pm 26/10/2002
 
mood: not in myself
today would have been my dad's 53rd birthday.

tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of his death.

tuesday is the 2 year anniversary of when we found him.

whoever said that things get easier was full of shit.

i can't handle it. i thought i could but i can't. i thought i was prepared... but i'm not...
 
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10:22pm 17/10/2002
 
mood: lonely
crazy days turning into lazy days
can't get my fat ass off the couch
eating all i can, anything in sight

---------

sometimes i want so much to cry
sometimes it seems that if i don't,
i will surely die.

--------

things are kind of shitty around here. i wish someone could just hold me...
i want to get better... I want to mean it when i say i am fine, or doing good.
i want someone to be there and help me along the way.. someone who believes in me
and loves me for just being me.
 
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11:05pm 12/10/2002
 
mood: determined
No one is around...

I feel so alone.. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I am gonna sneak out once my house mom goes to sleep.

I want to rip my skin apart....

Not good...

whatever, good night.
 
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09:48pm 11/10/2002
 
mood: rejected
back for another round...

i never actually thought anyone checked this out much until it was gone..

things have been quite shitty lately...

but umm.. things ALWAYS get better *rolls eyes*

its Friday night and I am home... how pathetic...

Gorillas In The Mist is on!!!
 
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okay okay okay   
10:26pm 01/10/2002
 
mood: lonely
well hello dearies...

i am alive... want proof?

here ya go..


AWWWW!


that is me.. a month ago.

and Milosh.

we are getting married. don't we make a cute couple?

anyways i am putting my website back together...

i am looking for my friends...
 
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UFOS: Fact or fiction   
01:26pm 23/07/2002
 
mood: embarrassed
So, this is the kind of stuff that happens in Wisconsin. It happens when we have too much to drink and play with flashlights.


sooo sad...
 
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01:26pm 22/07/2002
 
mood: aggravated
Joanna's wedding in T-minus 5 days.

scary...

i got them a crystal dish thing in the shape of a heart...

i hope they like it.

i still haven't worked up the courage to call this guy..

maybe tonight...

but i am not doing so hot right now...
 
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stupid stupid stupid   
10:18am 17/07/2002
 
mood: uncomfortable
So today I am going to the beach... Minor problem... Last night I cut. That was so.. Not good. I already look like a freak in a bathing suit. Now it will be worse... Doh! Looks like I am gonna wear a T-Shirt or something... Well, I am off.. Today I am going to call the guy. I hope...
 
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long weekend.   
01:06pm 15/07/2002
 
mood: depressed
I haven't called the guy yet. I had somewhat of a busy weekend. I cut again. I found two smashed light bulbs and I used the shards of glass or whatever... Pathetic. On my way here, to the library, some guy called me a fatass from a passing car. The happiest day of my sisters life is coming up and I can't even be happy. Though I put on a good mask. My roommate got picked up by the cops. We get threatened to go to the hospital for our feelings. Great, isn't it.
 
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could it really be possible?   
10:29am 11/07/2002
 
mood: shocked
I met a guy on Yahoo! Personals. He lives in the same town as me. He wants to meet me. Could this REALLY be true? Something like this can happen to me? I am afraid that once he sees me and gets to know me. He won't like me... Am I willing to risk that???
 
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Monday... It seems like Friday   
02:25pm 01/07/2002
 
mood: stressed
I am going to my therapist in a half hour. I haven't slept in about 3 days.. And when I do start falling asleep I have a nightmare. My sister's wedding shower was okay. Except for some comments that people made to me. I found razor blades at home too. So thats probably not a good things. I am scared to death that I might have to go back to Winnebago, so I am trying my hardest not to screw up and I am bound to do it because I am so stressed out. Anyways. Nobody wants to hear this shit. Auf wiedersehen.
 
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10:30am 28/06/2002
 
mood: drained
I am going to be going back to my old therapist. That gives me a little comfort. I got a pretty bird. But he won't talk to me... All he ever does is stare at the wall. I am sorry for worrying everyone. I didn't mean to. I had no way of contacting anyone. :( I will write later.
 
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12:34pm 25/06/2002
 
mood: tired
Last night I just couldn't sleep. But when I went downstairs to ask Amy (the housemom) for some Remeron, she was sleeping.. So I went upstairs again very quietly and watched the Craft in my room. I am getting a pet bird later this week and eventually, I am going to have my computer at the group home with internet so i can become an Internet junkie again. The thing i miss most are the people that I always talked to before. I miss my friends. I miss being able to write how I felt whenever I felt like it. I guess I miss it. But I won't ever forget....
 
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i am back.   
05:36pm 24/06/2002
  Everyone...

I went away for about 8 months. I have just gotten back from Winnebago Mental Health Institute. I am living in a group home now. I have computer access during a couple days a week. Hopefully soon I will be able to afford the internet at the group home. I am doing okay. Tonight I meet with a new psychiatrist so I am a little nervous. I will write more later.
 
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12:20pm 21/08/2001
 
mood: stressed
i am done with everything. just fucking done.
 
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12:14pm 21/08/2001
  i got oh so very plastered on saturday.

i love weddings very much.

they are so much fun.

this guy keeps looking at my computer and its pissing the fuck out of me.
 
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12:06pm 21/08/2001
  When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
 
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09:13am 16/08/2001
 
mood: frustrated
I just got a new job everyone!

I am gonna work in the apparel department of ShopKo. Wow. I applied for a job at ShopKo in spring and they finally called me back two weeks ago. This is so cool!

But I have to quit my job at the Animal Hospital. :(

Woohoo!

The nun that was sitting next to me just left! She was typing an email but I heard everything she was saying because she kept reading it out loud. I hope I don't do that.

In other news on the homefront:
I am somewhat hungover and praying that ShopKo doesn't need a drug test. I think I need new friends. I swore to myself that I would stop hanging around them and stop drinking and stop smoking cause I don't need all that crazy shit.

And I still DON'T need that shit. I have enough shit to handle. Why do I just go and make things worse for myself? Sometimes I just can't figure myself out. Actually, I can never figure myself out.

My hallucinations get worse, a lot worse when I do that stuff. I can't do that stuff. Mixed with the meds I am taking I am gonna end up in a diaper.

My cutting and banging and shit has gotten a lot worse, although I stopped for the past few days because my cousin's wedding is this weekend and I want to be able to wear something nice. But I can feel everything piling up so its only a matter of time. Today I see my therapist though. Maybe that will help. maybe I can sort some of this stuff out.

Maybe not.

I am sorry everyone.

Sorry Brian, I promised I wouldn't smoke anymore. I know I did. But I went and smoked anyways. I am sorry.

I am sorry I keep screwing up. I know it looks like I am not trying. I really am though. I really am.
 
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11:54am 13/08/2001
 
mood: tired
i am still alive.

we had school registration today...

my classes are:
1st hour-both semesters- study hall
2nd hour - both semesters- english12
3rd hour-both semesters- chemistry
4th hour- 1st semester-law
4th hour-2nd semester-study hall
5th hour-1st semester-study hall
5th hour-2nd semester-phys ed
6th hour-both semesters-adv. math (pre-calculus)
7th hour- both semesters-religion 12
8th hour-both semesters-accounting

pretty interesting, huh? sounds like a lot of fun doesn't it. yeah i think so too... </end>

i have a meeting with my pastor today. then at 3:30 i have a second interview at shopko. then i have group therapy. and then.... there is something else... ooh! i get my new car. whee!
 
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